Sunday, April 22, 2018

Same Old Songs.

Assamualaikum.

Fuh. 2018!

I am thinking about putting down my blog, after trying to sign in few times, I turn my decision over. Maybe it is not the time.

I will put the end to the blog, once I moved on. I haven’t yet. But, I am trying too. Holding on to the past, makes my heart sinks. To the point, I almost lose myself. I assured myself, to keep staying strong and leave my past behind.

I know it is love, even when the person have long gone.
I know it is wrong, even you have made the choice.
It is remain the same. Remain unchanged.

It is hard. It is really hard.

1 year
2 years
3 years.

I thought I have totally moved on, but I failed.

How many years it will takes for me to leave my past and not looking back?

I just want to be happy. That’s all I want.

Okay. Let’s go Maldives Ayu!

Sunday, May 22, 2016

kisah pukul 2.50 pagi.

Assalamualaikum. I don't know I still have my silent readers but this blog was my perfect mute diary.

my life is a mess.

i am scared.
scared of losing.
scared of loving.

it's my husband. he marry me despite of all my weakness.
but still, i am scared of the facts of losing.

i lose so many things.
especially in 2014, 2015.
my heart was torn into pieces.
i tried to mend it back.
and someone break it again.
i put the scattered pieces again and forgive again.
in the end, it's always me .
i am hurt.
people tend to leave me when i loved them so much.
and, when the love was gone, they came back asking for chance.
actually, i was giving them chance to break me again, and they DID.

now. 2016. my life was a total mess.
we fight like every days.
it's because I can't open up to him.
Ya Allah. please soften my heart.
but i am scared.
rasa kecewa itu sangat menakutkan.
i am sorry my dear husband, if i can't love u as much as u want me to, in shaa Allah in syurga we will love better. i am sorry. i love you and i am trying to.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Bukan Buku Tapi Bab

Assalamualaikum.

eh. bukan dia kah dulu yang dot dot dot.
lepas tu dia dot dot dot.
sekarang dia dot dot dot.
nah! 1001 dot dot dot pasal aku.

Persetankan semua!
kaki aku yang masih kuat untuk berlari.
mata aku yang masih kuat untuk mencari.
hati aku yang masih kuat untuk mencintai.
jiwa aku yang masih kuat untuk menemani.

ya, aku tidak jemu mencari jejaka.
tidak!
kalau aku jumpa salah, aku berhenti.
aku cari lagi.
salah lagi.
aku berhenti lagi.
aku cari lagi dan lagi.
tidak aku berhenti selagi dia yang tertulis tidak ku temui.

hidup aku?
semalam. banyak drama.
dari air mata,
dari gelak tawa.
dari sendu jiwa.
dari gurau senda.

hari ini?
juga banyak drama.
drama mencari kimia bersama.
bersulam air mata.
dianyam tingkah suara.
ditatah rajuk lara.
demi mencari bahagia bersama.

akan datang?
semoga drama semalam dan hari ini,
mewarnai hidup esok.
melengkapi hidup esok.
menceriakan hidup esok.

aku bahagia bergelar tunang kali kedua.
kepada dia.
bekas ketua pengawas.
bekas senior.
bekas tukang ikrar.
bekas kekasih.
sang tunang.
bakal suami.

menghitung bulan menjadi yang halal untukmu.